SKI BLANKET BINGO

The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene cuts to the upstairs hallway. Wooldoor and Xandir, both extremely irritated, are dragging a very large mattress down the hall. Captain Hero's logo is very prominently embossed all over the mattress. Exhausted, Xandir stops.

Xandir: That's it, Wooldoor. I can't go anymore. I'm sorry.

Wooldoor: Xandir, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you last week when I delivered your last love child. Push, push, push! (He smacks Xandir's behind.)

Xandir: Ow! Wooldoor, that only slightly hurt me!

Wooldoor: Keep up the backtalk and I'll smack you even softer next time!

Xandir: Yes, sir.

Wooldoor: Now let's get this thing into Captain Hero's room! Come on, Xandir, push!

Xandir stops resting. He and Wooldoor continue pushing the mattress down the hall. Xandir suddenly stops again.

Wooldoor: What is it now, Private Buttcheeks?

Spanky: (from his own room) Private buttcheeks? Not where Xandir's concerned!

Xandir: I don't get it, Wooldoor! Why does Hero's bed have to be in a different room every episode? I mean, last week he had his own bedroom, and this week he's rooming with us again! What's the deal?

Wooldoor: That's just his gimmick, Xandir! He likes to keep people guessing! (Xandir starts to whine, but Wooldoor stops him.) Hey, at least he isn't making us move it mid-episode anymore like he used to do!

Xandir: I guess that's true. (He sighs.) Oh, well. Guess we might as well finish getting it to our room.

Xandir and Wooldoor resume pushing the mattress down the hallway. Captain Hero walks out of the extra room which sometimes serves as his private bedroom.

Wooldoor: Hey, Captain Hero!

Hero: Hey, guys. Oh, by the way, I've got some good news for you! (Wooldoor and Xandir stop and look at Hero attentively.) Foxxy and I are going away to Vermont this weekend!

Xandir: Why is that good news?

Hero: Because I love Foxxy and it's going to be a lot of fun going away with her!

Xandir: No, I mean, why is that good news for US?

Hero: Because, Xandir- since I won't be needing my bedroom this episode, it means you two don't have to move my mattress! (Both Xandir and Wooldoor give Hero looks of death.)

Xandir: You bastard.

Wooldoor: (turning to Xandir) Don't call Captain Hero a bastard, Xandir! No matter how much he pisses us off!

Hero: Thank you, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: (turning to Hero) And you HAVE pissed us off, Captain Hero!

Xandir: Big time!

Hero: I don't understand. What's the problem?

Wooldoor: Captain Hero, couldn't you have told us to leave your mattress where it was- I don't know- BEFORE WE STARTED MOVING IT???

Hero: I suppose I *could* have...

Xandir: And why do WE need to move your mattress anyway? You're the one with superpowers- you should be able to move it yourself!

Hero: Move it myself with my superpowers? (He looks thoughtful.) Hmmm... I do have a lot of superpowers... I suppose at least ONE of my superpowers must be useful for this particular situation... but which one? Let's see now... which of my many superpowers would be useful for lifting an extremely heavy object and transporting it to a location some distance away? A superpower that would present me with some kind of enhanced lifting ability... hmm... a type of "super strength", if you will... (He continues thinking for a moment.) Oh, well, until I figure it out, you two will just have to keep moving it for me!

Wooldoor: (sighing) Fine. So where do you want it?

Hero: Wooldoor, I just told you, I won't be using my bed this week! You don't have to move it anywhere!

Wooldoor: Well, you're too late, Hero. We've already started moving it. The bed's in the middle of the hallway now.

Hero: I suppose under the circumstances, it WOULD be more prudent to go ahead and put it in one room or the other...

Xandir: Oh, I know. Hero, which bedroom will you be in next week? We'll go ahead and move it in there!

Hero: Xandir, that's your first brilliant idea that didn't involve coming up with a new object to stick up your ass!

Wooldoor: I have an even better idea! You move your bed back into our room permanently and we take the extra room and use it to host our very own circus! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Xandir: Or, you know, you could just move your bed into the extra room permanently and let that be yours and Foxxy's room!

Hero: That's an even better idea, Xandir! That way, Foxxy could sleep over as much as she wants! You know, since it's her room!

Wooldoor: (turning to Xandir) Xandir, you suck!

Toot: (from her own room) Wait a minute! (Toot steps out into the hallway and turns to Hero.) If Foxxy is moving in with YOU... that means that I'll be alone, and Marty can move in with ME!

Xandir: You see? Everyone wins!

Wooldoor: (angrily) Not everyone, Xandir.

Toot: Oh, this will just be the greatest! Marty and I with our own private room... oh, the two of us are just going to have so much sex!

Clara: (stepping into the hallway from her own room, very alarmed) Say what now?

Toot: Oh, crap, I should have known that would get the prude on my case!

Clara: Oh, no, no, this will not do! Captain Hero, you move your mattress back into Wooldoor's room right this instant!

Wooldoor: Yay! Clara's my new best friend!

Clara: Foxxy will just have to keep living with Toot a while longer!

Xandir: But then what will we do with the extra room?

Wooldoor: Was no one listening when I mentioned the circus?

Toot: That's easy! That can be Marty's room!

Xandir: Hang on a second! So Marty can have his own room and I can't? He's not even a frickin' housemate, for God's sake, and I am!

Clara: Oh, what difference does it make, Xandir? You sleep at your boyfriend's place half the time anyway... whoever that happens to be at the moment!

Wooldoor: If Marty wants to sleep in the room, he can be the ringmaster! But I'M going to be the lion tamer!

Toot: That's settled, then. Marty gets the extra room.

Spanky: (stepping into the hallway) You know, if Marty's taking the extra room, Toot could just move in with Marty, then Hero can move into Foxxy's room! That way all the couples are together, and everyone else is out of their way!

Wooldoor: (turning to Spanky) What did I ever do to you?

Clara: But Spanky, two of those couples won't be married!

Toot: We will be eventually!

Clara: Well, when that happens, you can move in together! But until that day, I think we need to keep the status quo!

Foxxy: (stepping into the hallway) Clara, what the hell is the big deal about two people livin' together who ain't married? We already live in the same house together and have sex with each other whenever we want!

Clara: (worried) You do?

Foxxy: (looking at Clara in disbelief) Yes, Clara. Toot and Marty and Captain Hero and I have sex with each other all the time!

Spanky: Whoa! The next time you guys do that, can *I* get in on the action?

Foxxy: I didn't mean all four of us together, Spanky. I meant that Toot has sex with Marty and Captain Hero has sex with me.

Spanky: (shrugs) Just throwing the idea out there.

Foxxy: But getting back to the matter at hand... Clara, you know that Captain Hero and me is sexually active and you've never had a problem with it before. So what's the big deal with us rooming together?

Clara: You're right, Foxxy. I guess I still haven't quite gotten used to this whole notion of sex not being evil! Okay, everyone. Toot can move into the extra room with Marty while Captain Hero moves in with Foxxy.

Suddenly Wooldoor leaps onto Clara and grabs her by the throat.

Wooldoor: You sold me out, man! You sold me out!

Clara: (choking, barely getting the words out) Oh, my!

Foxxy walks over to Clara and pulls Wooldoor off her. Clara breathes a sigh of relief.

Foxxy: Wooldoor Sockbat, you stop that right now! Choking Clara is a no-no!

Wooldoor: But you do it all the time!

Foxxy: Be that as it may. Now I know you're upset about the fact that Captain Hero won't be living with you anymore, but it's time for you to get over that! You're a big boy now!

Wooldoor: (grumpily) I suppose.

Foxxy: Wooldoor, it's time for you to grow up! And now that your only roommate is Xandir, that makes you the man of the room!

Wooldoor: I guess it does.

Marty: (stepping out into the hallway) And Wooldoor... (Wooldoor turns to Marty.) I can't find my comb. Did you borrow it?

Wooldoor: Oh, yeah! (He pulls Marty's comb out of his pocket and hands it back to him.) Here you go!

Marty: Thanks. (He walks back into his own room. The scene resumes.)

Hero: Wooldoor, now that you're not living with me anymore, you know what that means? (Wooldoor looks at Hero questioningly.) You can come to my room and we can have a sleepover!

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! I love sleepovers! And they're hard to do when you already live together!

Clara: That's great! So is everything settled, then?

Toot: Looks like it!

Foxxy: In that case, why don't we go have breakfast, y'all?

Spanky: Great idea! I could really go for some sausage biscuits!

Nodding in agreement, everyone begins to walk off.

Toot: So, Wooldoor, what do you need with a comb anyway?

The group walks out of sight. We see Hero's mattress still sitting in the middle of the hallway. The camera lingers on the abandoned mattress for a moment. Finally, Ling-Ling opens the door to his room and cautiously places his foot over the threshold. He peers into the hallway and sees the mattress. He steps out into the hall and walks up to the mattress. He looks around cautiously. After a moment, he ascertains that no one is around. A huge smile crosses his face. He immediately jumps onto the mattress and bounces high into the air. With gleeful abandon, he proceeds to repeatedly bounce up and down on the mattress.

CUE OPENING TITLES

Clara, Spanky, Wooldoor, Ling-Ling, Toot, Marty, and Xandir are sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast.

Wooldoor: So anyway, I figured the lions could sleep in my room, the tigers could sleep in Spanky's room, and the elephants could sleep in Toot's room!

Toot: (annoyed, sarcastically) Because they'd be with their own kind?

Wooldoor: No, because you and Marty are both really small and they'd have more room!

Toot: Oh. Oh, okay. (She blushes.) Well, thank you, Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: Well, you're small heightwise, at least. Widthwise-

Toot: Wooldoor, if you want to live to see your next birthday, you won't finish that sentence.

Wooldoor: Ooh! My birthday! Can I have a pony?

Hero and Foxxy enter. Both are bundled up in heavy coats.

Foxxy: All right, y'all! We's be leavin' now!

Clara: "We's be leavin'"?

Toot: Clara, just... don't.

Marty: Off to Vermont, eh?

Hero: That's right!

Spanky: So what part of Vermont are you heading to?

Hero: The snowy part!

Clara: Oh, okay. Now I know EXACTLY which part of Vermont you're referring to!

Wooldoor: Could you guys bring me back a tiger?

Foxxy: Wooldoor, that's silly! They don't have tigers in Vermont! Tigers only live in China and India!

Wooldoor: Are either of those places on the way?

Hero: We'll see you guys later. We need to get going now.

Foxxy: Yeah, our flight's about to leave.

Clara: Okay! Have fun in Vermont!

Toot: Yeah!

Waving, Hero and Foxxy turn to depart. The others wave back. Hero and Foxxy turn and walk out the door. Now standing in front of the house, the two turn to each other.

Foxxy: So Hero, what time DOES our flight leave?

Hero: (checking his watch) Right about... now!

Hero bends over. Holding the luggage, Foxxy climbs onto his back. Hero takes off flying through the air. The scene cuts back to the housemates inside the house.

Wooldoor: And THAT'S why Al Gore won't return my phone calls! (Everyone nods.)

Spanky: Speaking of phone calls, Clara, PETA called for you.

Clara: Ooh! What did they say?

Spanky: They wanted to know if you'd participate in the "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" protest they're having this afternoon.

Clara: Oh. I don't know. While I *do* support their cause, I'm not sure if I can condone public nudity! Spanky, if they call back, tell them they have my support, but I don't think I'll be able to participate in this particular protest.

Spanky: You don't have to worry about people seeing your bits and pieces, Clara. You'll be behind a sign!

Clara: But still, Spanky, look at the message I'd be sending- I'd be saying it's okay to be a whore as long as you're a whore for a cause!

Wooldoor: Is this a bad time to ask if I can join Hookers for Jesus again?

Xandir: Simple nudity does not make you a whore, Clara.

Toot: Xandir's right, Clara. And he's pretty much the expert on what makes a person a whore!

Xandir: That's right!

Clara: I don't know. I mean, I can see what they're going for, but... it's just not me. You know?

Spanky: Well, what about animals, Clara? They're nude all the time!

Toot: Even your own husband doesn't wear clothes! And I don't see you pitching a fit about HIM!

Clara: Ling-Ling doesn't have boobs like mine, though!

Spanky: But he has a penis!

Toot: Or so it's been rumored. (Ling-Ling gives Toot an angry look.)

Spanky: So what are you saying, Clara? That you wouldn't sacrifice your modesty in order to save the little animals?

Wooldoor: (pleadingly) Don't kill the animals, Clara!

Clara: I fail to see how showing my stuff is going to save animals! I mean, what's wrong with a campaign of, say, "I'd rather be clad in synthetic polymers than wear fur", hmm?

Spanky: Cause then you don't get the hot naked chicks! Come on, Clara. PETA demands nudity!

Xandir: I'll do it, Spanky!

Marty: (to Xandir) I didn't know you were an animal rights activist, Xandir.

Xandir: Animal rights? Oh, right.

Toot: Spanky, if you're that eager to see naked women, why don't you skip the protest and just spend the afternoon in your room masturbating?

Wooldoor: Well, at least then he'd be getting out of the house!

Clara: Either way, I'm sure there are MUCH more productive ways of spending the afternoon! For instance, Toot, what are you and Marty going to do today?

Toot: Today? Um... what were we going to do today, Marty?

Marty: I don't know. I was hoping you knew.

Toot: Um... actually, we were going to tag along with Spanky!

Spanky: But I'm just going to be in my room masturbating!

Toot: Did I say Spanky? I meant Xandir!

Xandir: But I'm just going to be in my room having gay sex with whoever happens to turn up!

Toot: Did I say Xandir? I meant Wooldoor!

Wooldoor: I was going with Spanky!

Marty: I have an idea! Why don't we do something with Clara and Ling-Ling?

Clara: Um... well, actually, Toot, Ling-Ling and I-

Marty: If you say you were going to spend the afternoon masturbating, I think my brain might implode!

Clara: No... we were going to... well, I suppose we COULD do that... (She turns to Ling-Ling.) Ling-Ling, will you show me what to do?

Marty: Okay, that is pretty messed up right there.

Toot: I think the upshot of it is that we could ALL find better ways of spending our afternoon today, right? (Everyone nods in assent.)

Wooldoor: Like Captain Hero did! He sure had the right idea! Going skiing with Foxxy is bound to be much more fun than sitting in Spanky's room watching him masturbate!

Clara: You know... why don't WE do that?

Toot: Sit in Spanky's room watching him masturbate? I suppose we COULD... If it's okay with you guys, though, I'd much rather go skiing!

Clara: That was what I meant, Toot. That we should go skiing. Honestly, why do you think I would want to sit around and watch someone else play with themselves?

Xandir: Cause you need to learn how to do it?

Clara: Okay, I think the fact that I'm not in my sack dress yet says a LOT about how much I've matured!

Wooldoor: That sounds like a great idea, Toot! Let's all go skiing! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Marty: I could go for a ski trip.

Spanky: Yeah, skiing sounds nice!

Clara: It's settled, then! Everybody, as soon as you've finished dinner, go pack your bags and we'll head out for the mountains! (Everyone cheers except Xandir, who looks worried.) What's wrong, Xandir?

Xandir: Mountains?

Spanky: They're those big rocky things that Sherpas hang out on.

Xandir: (nodding in realization) Ah. Gotcha!

Marty: (whispering to Toot) I thought this guy was supposed to be an adventurer who went on quests or something.

Toot: He does, just only the anal kind. (Marty nods in realization as the group resumes their breakfast.)

Foxxy (in confessional): So me and Hero was off for Vermont. At first, I thought it might be awkward spending the entire trip on Captain Hero's back. (Foxxy pauses for a moment.) Yes, I am fully aware of the ironic content of that last statement. Be that as it may. (She regroups.) In actuality, it turned out to be quite comfortable!

Cut to Hero flying through the air. Foxxy sits upright on his back with her legs crossed sipping coffee. Sitting next to her attached to Hero's back is a luggage rack upon which sits the pair's luggage.

Hero: Did I promise you a first class flight or what?

Foxxy: You're right, Hero. This is vurrrry comfortable! You even served coffee!

Hero: There's an on-flight movie too! Just flip my hood up!

Foxxy turns up the hood of Hero's coat. There sits a small television monitor upon which a movie is playing.

Foxxy: Very nice!

Hero: Oh, something else I forgot! (Without stopping, Hero reaches into his right coat pocket and pulls out a small packet and hands it to Foxxy.) I almost forgot your complimentary peanuts!

Foxxy: Why, thank you, Hero! (She takes the peanuts, and while opening them, takes another sip of her coffee.) This is a real first class flight, you know that?

Hero: Hero Airlines provides you a comfortable flight at affordable prices, and with all the amenities that the big airline companies provide!

Foxxy: Well... ALMOST all the amenities. There is one thing you can do on one of those big jets that you can't do here.

Hero: What's that?

Foxxy: Join the mile high club! (Hero smirks.)

Hero: That's what YOU think!

Foxxy shoots Hero back a sexy look. The scene immediately cuts to the pair still flying through the air. However, Foxxy is now underneath Hero. Her clothes are off, and Hero's pants are pulled down. The two are engaged in sexual intercourse.

Foxxy: Oh yeah! Looks like I underestimated you, Hero!

Hero: If there's one thing Captain Hero knows, it's how to incorporate sex into his job!

Foxxy: Really? So you can have sex while you're catching criminals?

Hero: Why do you think the Mad Libber was under our bed that night?

Foxxy: Wow! Frankly, I'm surprised you're still able to concentrate on your job! You know, most men when they're having sex can't even think about anything else at all!

Hero: That's where I differ from other men, Foxxy. Being in the middle of having sex has never impaired my ability to-

At that moment, a tree suddenly appears out of nowhere. Without even seeing the tree, Hero smacks headfirst into it. As a look of extreme fear crosses Foxxy's face, the pair crumple and fall to the ground. The camera stays on the shot of the tree in the sky.

Hero: (offscreen, obviously dazed) Concentrate.

Foxxy: (offscreen) You know... maybe we'd better drive.

Hero: (offscreen) I think you're right.

Cut to Wooldoor's room. Clara is helping Wooldoor pack while Ling-Ling sits on the dresser watching them. On the bed sits Clara's purple winter coat from "Lost in Parking Space". As Wooldoor calls off each item, Clara pulls it out of Wooldoor's drawer and packs it.

Wooldoor: And I wanna take my purple underwear, and my red underwear, and my green underwear, and my orange underwear, and my Captain Hero underoos, and my polka-dotted underwear-

Clara: (interrupting) Wooldoor, we're not going to be gone THAT many days! Do you really need that much underwear?

Wooldoor: I'm hoping to motivate Xandir to start wearing some.

Clara: (joyfully hugging Wooldoor) I knew I raised you right! (She lets go and resumes packing.)

Wooldoor: And I wanna take my blue underwear, and my puce underwear, and my chartreuse underwear, and my aquamarine underwear, and my satin teddy! (Clara finishes putting all the underwear in Wooldoor's suitcase.) Thanks for helping me pack, Clara!

Clara: Don't mention it, Wooldoor. Well, I hope you've packed everything you need, because that's about all your suitcase is going to hold!

Wooldoor: Awwww! I still had 15 more pairs of underwear I wanted to bring!

Clara: I appreciate your devotion to hygiene, Wooldoor, but isn't it a bit excessive to want to take along every pair of underwear you own?

Ling-Ling: Maybe Sockbat onto something. He think Carla should try it sometime! (He looks at her with a huge grin on his face.)

Clara: Okay, Wooldoor, it looks like you're all packed. You ready to head to the mountains? (She turns around. Wooldoor is fully dressed in winter clothes.)

Wooldoor: Ready as I'll ever be!

Clara: Good! (Clara takes her coat off the bed and puts it on. She then turns to Ling-Ling, puts a woolen cap on his head, and ties a scarf around his neck. She picks him up.) Then let's go!

Clara walks downstairs with Ling-Ling in hand and Wooldoor following behind her. Before we see the living room, a look of astonishment crosses Clara's face.

Clara: Oh, no, no, no!

We see the rest of the group. Toot is dressed the same way she dressed for the Vegas road trip, wearing a T-shirt, a floral skirt, and flip-flops. Spanky is also dressed the way he dressed for the Vegas road trip, wearing his Camp Hoochiemama shirt and shorts. Marty wears a T-shirt, shorts, and typical tourist-type sandals, and carries a camera around his neck and has a sun visor on his head. Xandir wears his regular outfit, except he has on a T-shirt that says "Anal Qwest '96".

Clara: Um, guys? I don't think you're dressed appropriately for this trip.

Toot: What are you talking about, Clara? We're going on vacation, aren't we? These are our vacation outfits!

Clara: Yes... our SUMMER vacation outfits! But where we're going, it's going to be cold! I think a little more bundling up might be in order!

Spanky: Any excuse to expose less flesh, eh, Clara?

Clara: You know, I'd expect this of most of you- but, Marty, I thought you had more sense than that!

Marty: You're right. I should have known better. (to Toot) Is this what living in this house does to people? (She nods.)

Clara: (sighs) Maybe we need to go try this again, people. (Everyone walks off. Clara shakes her head.)

Cut to a long shot of a car driving down the road. The scene changes to inside the car. Hero, his head wrapped in white, is driving while Foxxy sits beside him.

Foxxy: You sure you're okay to drive?

Hero: I'm fine, Foxxy. Don't worry. So is my hair dry yet?

Foxxy lifts up part of the wrapping and feels Hero's hair.

Foxxy: Feels dry to me!

Hero: Great! Then you can go ahead and take the towel off! (Foxxy removes the towel.) I'm telling you, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned shampoo to relieve a massive cranial concussion!

Foxxy: I'll have to remember that for next time. (She pauses, then straightens up in her seat.) I can't wait till we get to Vermont!

Hero: Me either!

Foxxy: So we are we driving straight through?

Hero: Straight through! Oh- except I did want to make one little stop on the way.

Foxxy: What's that?

Hero: There's a little town called Brattleboro in the southern part of the state. I wanted to stop and visit there for a while.

Foxxy: Okay, that sounds good. (She pauses while Hero continues to drive.) So what is it you want to see in Brattleboro, Captain Hero?

Hero: I, uh... have relatives there. Yeah... relatives.

Foxxy: Relatives, huh?

Hero: Yes. Relatives.

Foxxy: I gotcha. (There is silence again. Hero continues to drive. Foxxy continues to look ahead. After a moment, a look of concern crosses her face.) Hold up. Captain Hero, I thought your whole family was from Planet Zebulon!

Hero: I did!

Foxxy: Then how is it you have family in Brattleboro, Vermont?

Hero: Uh... uh... that's where my sister lives!

Foxxy: Your sister lives in town, Captain Hero.

Hero: My parents?

Foxxy: No, they live in Florida next to the Golden Girls!

Hero: Uncle Fester?

Foxxy: He ain't no relative of yours! He was a character on that show The Addams Family!

Hero: My evil twin?

Foxxy: Captain Hero... you don't have any relatives in Brattleboro at all, do you? (He looks down sheepishly.) So why is it you's wanting to visit there? (Hero says nothing.) Wait a minute... I think I remember reading something in the newspaper about that place!

Foxxy (in confessional): (angrily) That's right, y'all, I can read! Are we gonna do this crap every time?

Foxxy: That's that town where people's allowed to go naked in public, isn't it?

Hero: I... suppose it is.

Foxxy: (shaking her head) Mmm mmm mmm.

Hero: Okay, you caught me, Foxxy. I wanted to go to Brattleboro and be naked in public! I'm proud of my body, dammit, and I don't care who knows it! Why must you deny me the privelege of public nakedness, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Captain Hero, I would never deny you your inalienable right to be naked in public!

Hero: Thank you, Foxxy!

Foxxy: When we get back home, I'll take you out in the town square and let you walk around naked all you like! And just to make sure the cops ain't looking at you, the Foxxy'll go naked in public too!

Hero: But if we go to Brattleboro and be naked, we'll be able to look at all the OTHER people walking around naked too- (He suddenly breaks off. Foxxy is looking at him angrily.) Maybe we'll just go on to the ski lodge.

Foxxy: Good idea.

Cut back to the Drawn Together house. Clara, Ling-Ling, and Wooldoor stand in the living room waiting for the others. Toot and Marty come down the stairs, now wearing winter clothes. Spanky follows them, also wearing a winter coat.

Clara: Good, good. You're all dressed sensibly now!

Finally, Xandir enters. He is wearing exactly the same outfit as before.

Clara: Xandir! What do you think you're doing? I thought we were all going to change into our winter outfits!

Xandir: This IS my winter outfit, Clara!

Marty: Xandir, don't you think your ass will be cold dressed like that?

Xandir: How am I going to pick up guys on the slopes if I cover my ass?

Clara: Well, Xandir, if you're going to go to the trouble of covering your top half, shouldn't you at least wear a heavier shirt?

Xandir: I want my nipples to be erect!

Clara: Of course. (She sighs.) Well, since everybody seems to be ready... let's all go get in the van!

Xandir: Yay! (He runs outside.)

Clara: Isn't he even taking any luggage?

Toot: Clara, he's got everything he'll need for the trip underneath that loincloth of his!

Clara: Ah. (The others pick up their luggage and walk out to the van.)

The scene cuts back to Hero and Foxxy in the car. "La-La-La-La Labia" is playing on the stereo. Hero loudly sings along to the music while Foxxy sits calmly.

Hero: (singing) La la la la labia baby, you got something for me... (falsetto) in your wizard's sleeeeeeve... (resumes normal voice) La la la la labia baby you got something for me... (He stops singing.) This is a great song, Foxxy!

Foxxy: I know!

Hero: Who sings it, do you know?

Foxxy glares at Hero.

Foxxy: I do!

Hero: You do? Oh, that's right! You sang this song, didn't you?

Foxxy: Yes.

Hero: Okay, now I remember!

Foxxy: Don't you remember, we decided we was gonna trade off choosing the music? First you played Five For Fighting, then I played the Foxxy 5's debut album, then you played Five For Fighting again, then I played the Foxxy 5's reunion album, then you played Five For Fighting again, and now we's listening to the Foxxy 5's greatest hits!

Foxxy holds up the CD and looks at the back cover. At the top is says "Foxxy 5- Greatest Hits" followed by the track listing.

1. La-La-La-La Labia (original version)
2. La-La-La-La Labia (remix)
3. La-La-La-La Labia (live)
4. La-La-La-La Labia (dance mix)
5. La-La-La-La Labia (12-inch version)
6. La-La-La-La Labia (special "ass" mix)
7. La-La-La-La Labia (the original version again)

Hero: The Foxxy 5 were a great band! (He turns to Foxxy.) I banged their lead singer!

Foxxy: I know you did!

Hero: I just thought of something. You're a famous musician and I'm a superhero. Does that mean when we get married, we'll be considered a supercouple?

Foxxy: I guess it does! Hmm... I wonder what name the media is going to use for us...

Hero: What do you mean?

Foxxy: You know how all those famous couples have one name they go by? Like how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are called TomKat?

Hero: Oh, I think I see what you mean. You mean the way Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are called Brangelina?

Foxxy: That's right. I was just wondering what our name would be!

Hero: Hmm... how about Captain Love?

Foxxy: Captain Love... (She thinks.) That sounds like the name of a porn star!

Hero: Maybe I should think of another one.

Foxxy: Did I say sounding like a porn star was a bad thing?

Hero: Oh, I have another one! We'll be... Capfox Herolove! (Foxxy looks at Hero questioningly.) Foxtain Lovero? (She looks at him again.) Heroloxxy? (Foxxy shakes her head.) Oh, well, back to the drawing board.

Foxxy: Oh, wait, I've got it! (Hero looks at her eagerly.) I'm Foxx-Y. You're HE-ro. Put the names together, and we can be... Foxxyro!

Hero: Foxxy, that's brilliant!

Foxxy: I know.

Hero: So what will Clara and Ling-Ling be called?

Foxxy: Cling-Ling.

Hero: Makes sense. Toot and Marty?

Foxxy: Tarty.

Hero: You have a real talent for this! Okay, try this one. Wooldoor and Unusually Flexible Girl.

Foxxy: Woolgirl.

Hero: And Clara thinks SHE'S the smart one of the house! Well, I think you have her beat!

Foxxy: And Xandir and Fernando can be Ferxando!

Hero: Clara just caught back up to you.

Foxxy: I know, I regretted that one as soon as I said it.

Hero: That's okay. We killed a little time, at least.

Foxxy: That's right! Two hours down, 42 hours left!

Hero: It'll fly by like- wait. Did you say 42 hours?

Foxxy: That's right.

Hero: Good God! It's going to take us 42 more hours to get to Vermont?

Foxxy: Well, Hero, we're driving across the country! It's a long way from California to Vermont by car!

Hero: I guess I didn't think of that. Usually I'm used to going by ME!

Foxxy: If that's too far for you to drive, we could always swing by the airport and take a plane instead!

Hero: We can't! I'm afraid of airplanes!

Foxxy: You're afraid of airplanes? Hero, you can FLY!

Hero: This is no time for you to be turning into Peter Pan, Foxxy!

Foxxy: So are you telling me you'd rather drive 3,000 miles than get on a silly little airplane?

Hero: That's right! Besides, 3,000 miles isn't so bad, come to think of it! Why, I could easily drive 10,000 miles if I had to!

They pass a sign that says "Big Bear Lake Ski Resort- 5 miles, next exit".

Foxxy: Or we could just skip Vermont and go to Big Bear Lake!

Hero: Ooh, yeah, let's do that!

Foxxy nods. The camera pulls out to a long shot of the car approaching the Big Bear Lake exit. Hero takes the exit.

Hero: (voice) Can we still swing by Brattleboro?

Cut to the other party in the van. Xandir drives while Spanky rides shotgun. Clara, Ling-Ling, and Wooldoor sit in the middle seat while Toot and Marty sit in the back seat.

Spanky: So what's the name of this place we're going to again?

Toot: Big Bear Lake!

Suddenly, everyone goes silent. The "dun dun dunnnnnn" music is heard. Everyone is confused.

Wooldoor: Um... why did they just play the "dun dun dunnnnnn" music?

Clara: You got me!

Marty: This is so cool getting to go on a road trip with you guys! Usually I get left out of the group episodes for some reason!

Toot: I know, what's up with that?

Clara: Well, we're glad to have you with us this time, Marty.

Marty: Thanks!

Spanky: (turning around) You're aware, though, that WE'LL still be hogging most of the screen time, right? I mean, we ARE housemates, after all.

Marty: That's fine. I'm just glad to be here!

Clara: Very good!

Toot: (leaning up to Clara, whispering) Not that I'm complaining, but I do find it curious that Xandir isn't playing his crappy boy band music this time.

Clara: Oh, don't worry, I took care of that!

Wooldoor: You melted all his CDs?

Clara: No... I sang "The Candy Man" to him before we left. He'll have that song stuck in his head the whole trip!

Toot: Ohhhhh... so not only will he refrain from playing his godawful teenybopper CDs, we won't have to put up with his inane conversation either!

Clara: That's right!

Xandir: (begins singing) The candy man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...

Quickly, everyone else covers their ears.

Clara: Of course, there IS a possible side effect!

Toot: (cringing) Now you tell us!

Spanky: I'll take care of this. (He nudges Xandir.) Hey, Xandir, turn on the radio. I want to hear the weather report. (Xandir turns on the radio.)

Announcer: And at Big Bear Lake this weekend, the forecast calls for snow with a 98% chance of more snow!

Xandir: Looks like you were right, Clara!

Clara: (makes donkey face) Uh, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Announcer: And in other news, the local authorities have advised all skiers to be on the alert this weekend, as there have been reports of cougars being sighted in the immediate area.

Spanky: Cougars, eh? I could get down with some of that action!

Wooldoor: You like cougars, Spanky?

Spanky: Who doesn't? You know, just because a woman's a little older doesn't mean she still can't be hot! And even if she maybe doesn't look as young as she used to, she more than makes up for it in experience! Personally, I *like* a lady who's been around the block a few times! (Spanky puts his hands behind his head and leans back.) Yes, sir! I think the Spankster's gonna do a little cougar hunting this weekend!

Toot: Spanky, I think he meant cougars as in large mountain cats. Not older women looking to score with young men.

Spanky: Did the announcer SAY cat? I think that news bulletin was a little open to interpretation!

Clara: Spanky, why would an announcer come on the radio to report the sighting of middle-aged women?

Spanky: For the benefit of people like me!

Everyone gives Spanky a look. The camera pulls out to a shot of the van heading down the road.

The scene fades to the front desk of the ski lodge. Hero and Foxxy enter with their luggage.

Foxxy: You know what I just remembered, Hero? We forgot to bring any skis with us!

Hero: So we're actually going skiing? I thought we were just going to stay in our room the whole weekend having sex.

Foxxy: Oh, yeah. (She waves her hand dismissively.) Oh, well, it's not like I know how to ski anyway.

As Hero and Foxxy walk up to the front desk to check in, the others walk in the door behind them.

Wooldoor: Wow, isn't this great? A real live ski lodge!

Spanky: (looking out into the lobby) Well, would you look at that? A nice, roaring fireplace! The perfect place to snuggle up with your significant other!

Everyone smiles. Marty and Toot hug each other, as do Clara and Ling-Ling. As Spanky looks at the fireplace, Wooldoor gives him a big hug. Spanky pulls away.

Spanky: Wooldoor! What the hell are you doing? I said with your significant other!

Wooldoor: But, Spanky, you're my best friend! I think that's pretty significant! (He hugs Spanky again. Again Spanky pulls away.)

Spanky: Just get off me, okay? (He steps forward and looks around some more.) I need to find out where the cougars are!

Clara: They're probably in the mountains!

Xandir: (freaking out) Oh my God! There are cougars in the mountains?

Spanky: I'm talking about the cougars in the ski lodge!

Xandir: (freaking out) Oh my God! There are cougars in the ski lodge? Wait, what kind? Meow meow, or... (He makes a clawing motion with his hand and affects a stereotypical manner of speech.) Meow, meow!

Clara: (flatly) Meow meow.

Xandir: (freaking out) Aaaaaahhhhhh!

Spanky: No, I'm sure it's (grins and makes the clawing motion) meow, meow!

Xandir: The woman kind? (He freaks out even worse.) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! That's even worse!

Toot: Well, what are we waiting for, guys? Let's go ahead and get checked in!

As the group walks over to the front desk, we see the clerk hand Hero and Foxxy a key. A bellhop takes their luggage and leads the two away. Right as Hero and Foxxy step away, the others walk up to the desk. Neither party sees the other.

Spanky: Excuse me, we'd like to book entry into your ski lodge.

Clerk: Absolutely, sir. How many rooms?

Toot: Oh, you have multiple rooms available? (She turns to the others excitedly.) Ooh, that'll be different!

Spanky: (to the clerk) Let's see... I think two rooms will be enough.

Clara: Two rooms for seven people? Spanky, are you crazy?

Spanky: Just hear me out. Toot and Marty can have one room, and Clara and Ling-Ling can take the other. Wooldoor can go back and forth between the two rooms sleeping in the drawer. And I'm sure Xandir will just sleep in the room of whatever boy toy he happens to pick up for the night!

Xandir: Oh, wow... so my promiscuity can save us money!

Marty: But where will you sleep, Spanky?

Toot: And if you dare say "threesome", so help me God-

Spanky: I wasn't going to suggest a threesome, Toot! Both of you ladies have made it quite clear you're not into that. No, what *I* was going to do is spend the night in the lobby on cougar patrol!

Clara: Spanky...

Spanky: Hey, there's cougars here, I just know there are! And so help me God, I'm going to find one!

Clerk: You'd better be careful! A man here was attacked by a cougar the other night! He's okay now, but he has deep gashes all over his body!

Spanky: No thanks, I'm not into rough sex.

Wooldoor (in confessional): So anyway, we finished checking in and went back to our respective rooms. We drew straws to see who I'd sleep with the first night, and Clara and Ling-Ling won!

Cut to Clara and Ling-Ling's room. Clara is now in her nightgown. Wooldoor, wearing his pajamas, sits in the dresser drawer. While Clara fluffs the pillows, Ling-Ling sits on the bed.

Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeee! This is going to be fun! I love sleeping in the drawer!

Clara: (walking over to the drawer) Wooldoor, I had an idea! How about instead of the drawer... you sleep in the bathtub instead?

Wooldoor: Why?

Clara: Because the bathroom is separate from the bedroom, and if you slept there, well... Ling-Ling and I would still technically have some privacy.

Wooldoor: What do you need privacy for?

Clara: Hoo boy.

Ling-Ling: Carla? Ling-Ling think it might be time to tell Sockbat about birds and bees.

Clara: I know. I was dreading this day.

Wooldoor: Oh yeah! I wanna learn all about the birds and the bees!

Clara: (She sighs, then turns to Wooldoor.) Wooldoor, when a man and a woman love each other very very much, as Ling-Ling and I do, they want to... how do I put this? Share their love for each other... in a physical way.

Wooldoor: Are you talking about sex? (Clara blushes.) Cause I know all about sex, Clara. Probably more than YOU do!

Clara: Oh. Well, in that case, I guess we don't have to have the talk after all!

Wooldoor: But I wanna have the talk!

Clara: Wooldoor, if you know about sex already, why do you need for me to teach you about it?

Wooldoor: No, not about sex! I wanna learn about the birds and the bees! (He looks at Clara.) So how are bees able to fly when their bodies are too heavy to support their tiny wings?

Clara sighs. The scene changes to Toot and Marty's room. Both are now in their nightclothes sitting on top of the bed.

Marty: Wow. I can't believe that all of us took off for a ski weekend on the spur of the moment!

Toot: I know! How did we ever get the time off work to do that?

Marty: And to top it off, the two of us managed to score a private room for the first night. How lucky are we?

Toot: The only way we could be any luckier would be if... (Thinking for a moment, Toot gets off the bed. She walks over to counter on top of which sits a small refrigerator. She opens the door which is built into the counter. Immediately she celebrates.) Woohoo! Minibar! (She turns to Marty.) You want some nuts, Marty?

Marty: Toot, are you crazy? Do you know how expensive that stuff is?

Toot: Just relax! Whatever we take, we'll just replace it later with a cheap knockoff version! They won't check it that closely- and by the time they do, we'll be long gone from here!

Marty: Sounds good to me! Toss me some cashews, would you?

Toot reaches into the minibar, grabs a bag of nuts, and tosses it to Marty. She grabs another pack for herself and walks over and sits back down on the bed. They both begin to open their packs, but as soon as they do so, they quickly recoil.

Marty: Oh my God! What is that stench?

Toot: Since when do almonds smell like... feces?

Wooldoor (in confessional): And after I discovered how to make almonds and cashews out of my doody, I went through all the rooms of the hotel cleaning out the minibars and replacing all the products with my cheap knockoff versions! Then I stashed my hoard in my drawer and snuggled down to bed!

Cut to Spanky and Xandir in the lobby of the ski lodge sitting in chairs facing one another. Spanky stares angrily at Xandir.

Xandir: What?

Spanky: Xandir, why are you here? This was MY designated spot for the night! You're supposed to be shacked up with some boy toy!

Xandir: Well, Spanky, I can't whore myself out until I find someone to whore myself out TO! That's why I have to sit in the lobby until someone comes along!

Spanky: But if you stay here, you're going to mess up my chance to pick up a cougar!

Xandir: I don't see how!

Spanky: Xandir, let me put it like this. The cougar... is a carnivore. She thirsts for meat.

Xandir: There aren't any vegetarian cougars?

Spanky: Xandir, if you could not be a dumbass for about two minutes, I'd really appreciate it. Anyway, the cougar wants meat... the fresh meat of a nubile young male.

Xandir: I don't get it.

Spanky: I know you don't. But to continue, Xandir. I'm not exactly a nubile young man. I'm not old, but neither am I a spring chicken anymore. Now these cougars tend to be in the 35-49 range. Being in my early 30s, I still technically count as cougar meat, but my window is very limited. Therefore, in order to make it with one of these cougars, I have to make sure there's no one around who's younger and spryer than I am.

Xandir: Um, what?

Spanky: Xandir, if I may... you're a very buff, attractive young man... and even better... one who's just barely above the age of consent.

Xandir: What are you getting at, Spanky?

Spanky: Xandir, if one of these cougars comes by... you're exactly the type of person she'll want to eat up!

Xandir: Wait. Are we talking about the cat type of cougar or the woman type?

Spanky: Woman type.

Xandir: (begins freaking out) Aaaaaahhhhhh! (He tears out of his chair and runs out of the room as quickly as he can. Spanky sits calmly back in his chair and smiles.)

Spanky: Sometimes it's just too easy! (Spanky gets up and dons a Hugh Hefner type smoking jacket, then takes a glass of wine in his hand and sits back down to wait.)

(Continue to Part 2.)