DRAWN APART

Part 1

The scene opens on a long shot of the house. It cuts to the bathroom where Toot and Xandir stand over a scale.

Toot: Ha! I told you I’m not fat!

Xandir: Well, maybe not according to the "Hoffner Medical Index"-

Toot: Which is a REAL thing, even though it sounds like I just made it up. Which I didn’t. And besides, if you still don’t believe I'm not fat, I can prove it even further.

Xandir: How?

Toot: Well... I have a boyfriend now. Isn’t that proof enough?

Xandir: You know, Toot, there are SOME guys who can look past a woman’s weight and choose to be with them on the basis of personality. In fact, I don’t mind saying if I wasn’t gay and you weren’t a complete psycho, I might even consider dating you myself.

Toot: (flirtatiously) Reeeeeeally?

Xandir: Toot, every time you flirt with me somehow makes me even more gay than before. (Toot is annoyed.) Toot, all I’m saying is you have a great personality, possible mental illness aside. And there might be SOME guys out there who consider you attractive.

Toot: (glaring at him) I’m glad you ARE gay, Xandir. I’m really relieved you’re not in our dating pool.

Xandir: I’m sorry, Toot. I don’t really know how to talk to girls. You guys are so sensitive.

Toot: WE’RE sensitive? Xandir, you cry while watching Deal or No Deal!

Xandir: Hey, the guy was two cases away from the million dollars and he blew it by picking the wrong case! (tearfully) That’s very sad to me!

Toot: Be that as it may.

Foxxy: (from outside the door) Quit stealing my catchphrase, Toot!

Toot: Sorry. Well, look, Xandir, if you’re so hung up on having a perfect body, why don’t YOU hop on the scale and let’s see how much YOU weigh!

Xandir: I’d be glad to! Everyone knows my body is the pinnacle of healthfulness! (He gets on the scale and immediately begins to panic.)

Toot: Oh, my God, Xandir! You do seem to be quite the chubby! Damn, I wish I could remember all those fat jokes you made about me so I could use them against YOU!

Xandir: You know what it is? I bet it’s this armor that’s weighing me down. (He begins taking off his armor.)

Toot: Yeah, that armor’s gotta be at least 15 pounds, easy.

Xandir: (finishes removing his armor and his boots) Okay, now for my REAL weight! (He steps back on the scale. Immediately he freaks out.) Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

Toot: (looking at scale) I knew it! For the first time since we’ve been in this house... you weigh more than I do! (Clara walks in.)

Xandir: That’s silly, Toot. Obviously this scale is broken.

Clara: Here, I’ll see. (She steps on the scale.) Nope! 120 and holding steady. (to Xandir) You know, I haven’t gained or lost a pound since I’ve been in this house. Weird, isn’t it? I guess some people’s bodies are just like that. (She walks out. Xandir seethes.)

Toot: You know, I used to have dreams at night that I’d wake up one day and Clara would be horribly fat. But you know, I think this is more fun! (Xandir glares at her. Toot smiles casually.)

CUE OPENING TITLES

The scene opens on a large building in the city. There is a sign on the building that reads "Mojo Dojo". The scene cuts to the interior where we see a karate class in progress. Among the students is Clara.

Clara (in confessional): As much as I appreciated my husband Ling-Ling always protecting me, I was beginning to feel kind of helpless. And lately things had been even worse than usual.

A montage begins to play. First, we see Clara entering a cave and suddenly being attacked by a horrible gigantic monster. Ling-Ling swoops in and kills the monster. Clara hugs him appreciatively. Next, we see Clara entering the bathroom and being confronted with a roomful of vicious-looking gremlins. She shrieks. Ling-Ling enters and kills them all with one mighty burst of energy. Clara hugs him appreciatively. Finally, the scene changes to Clara at a store counter arguing with a cashier.

Clara: I know for a fact I gave you a twenty, and you only gave me back change for a ten!

Cashier: Look, lady, if you don’t step aside, I’m gonna have to get the manager!

Ling-Ling suddenly swoops in and hurls an energy ball at the clerk, knocking him on his back.

Ling-Ling: That teach you to threaten Ling-Ling’s woman! (A gentleman in a suit rushes out to confront the pair.)

Manager: Excuse me, I’m the manager. Is there a problem here? (Ling-Ling rises in the air and begins forming another energy ball to hurl at the manager. Clara buries her face in her hands in exasperation.)

Clara (in confessional): So I decided to take some self-defense classes. Since I’m already an expert with a firearm, I figured if I could learn to fight with my hands and feet too, I’d be more than able to protect myself no matter what the situation. I’m expecting to receive my ass kicking license any day now.

Cut back to class. The karate instructor has set up a tall stack of boards.

Instructor: Now then, class. Does anyone know how to break these boards? (Clara eagerly sticks up her hand.)

Clara: I do!

Instructor: Then step forward and show us, Clara.

As the instructor opens a closet, Clara approaches the boards. With a mighty yell, she lifts her foot up and brings it crashing down on the boards, breaking them all in half. As the other students look on in amazement, Clara stands looking pleased with herself.

Clara: Would you look at that! Didn’t even mess up my pedicure! I knew it wouldn’t be dumb to get one before class.

Instructor: Um, Clara? (She turns.) I was going to suggest using this! (He pulls out an axe. Clara shrugs.)

Xandir (in confessional): I was determined to get back into shape at any cost. I tried the weights and the treadmill, but none of them seemed to give me the workout I need. Finally, I decided to ask one of my housemates if I could borrow HIS training facility.

Cut to an unidentified location in the Drawn Together house. Xandir walks up to a door marked "Ling-Ling’s Exercise Room". He opens the door and enters. There we see Ling-Ling running inside a giant hamster wheel. Xandir approaches him.

Xandir: Oh, Ling-Ling?

Ling-Ling sees Xandir standing to the side. He stops running and gets out of the wheel. He holds up a finger to Xandir instructing him to wait just a moment. Ling-Ling then walks over to a large upside down water bottle. Grasping the spout with his tiny hands, he drinks for a minute. Then he walks over to Xandir.

Ling-Ling: That good workout today. Ling-Ling always stay in tip top shape. Even if figure not show it. How can Ling-Ling help Xandir today?

Xandir: Ling-Ling, I need to drop several pounds in a hurry. Is it okay if I use your facilities?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling guess so. Besides, it time for Carla to be getting back from class, Ling-Ling spend time with her instead. Xandir have nice figure but still not as nice as Carla. (He walks out. Xandir is close to tears. He holds his hand in front of his face.)

Xandir: Strong, Xandir! Strong, Xandir! It’s okay, Xandir. Clara is Ling-Ling’s wife. Of course he’s going to be biased toward her. (becomes depressed) Oh, who am I kidding?

Ling-Ling walks into the living room. The other housemates minus Clara and Xandir are watching TV.

TV Announcer: And we now return you to Terms of Endearment, starring the Care Bears.

Funshine Bear: I can’t believe you got cancer, Love-a-Lot Bear! This is so sad!

Love-a-Lot Bear: Thank you for caring, Funshine Bear! I’m going to need you to care now more than ever!

Grumpy Bear: I hate cancer!

Funshine Bear: Love-a-Lot Bear needs you to care too, Grumpy Bear! With love and caring, we can drive away that mean old cancer!

Cut back to the housemates. Hero is crying.

Hero: Why did Love-a-Lot Bear have to get cancer, Foxxy? Why? Why? (He begins crying on her shoulder.)

Foxxy: There, there, Captain Hero, it’s okay. We all get cancer sometimes.

Spanky: Guys? Do we have to go through this EVERY time we watch this movie?

Ling-Ling: Hey, did anyone hear from Carla yet? Should be getting home from class about now.

Spanky: Oh, Clara called a few minutes ago to give you a message. She said she’s going to be about half an hour late.

Ling-Ling: Oh, okay. In that case, Ling-Ling use extra time to go make her some cookies. (He exits to the kitchen. Hero looks at Foxxy.)

Hero: That’s really sweet of Ling-Ling to bake his love cookies like that. I wish my girlfriend would make ME cookies.

Foxxy: Captain Hero, you really want the Foxxy trying to cook stuff? Remember that time I tried to make popcorn in the microwave?

Cut to the housemates standing in the yard. They are looking at the burned-out space where their house used to be.

Foxxy: Sorry, guys. I thought for sure I knew what I was doing this time.

Spanky: (sighs) Wooldoor? Call the producer and tell him we broke the house again. (Wooldoor gets out a cell phone and dials.)

Cut back to the present. The housemates resume watching TV but are suddenly interrupted by a tremendous shaking.

Hero: Oh my God, what’s that?

Wooldoor: That’s probably the custom designed earthquake maker I ordered. The postman must have dropped the package. I’ll go check! (He opens the door. Clara is standing there.)

Clara: Hey, guys! I thought class was going to keep me over today, but the instructor threw his back out trying to swing an axe that was too heavy for him, so here I am!

Toot: Maybe it was Clara making the ground shake! Clara, have you gained weight?

Hero: Hey, everybody, there’s some kind of disturbance outside! Maybe we should investigate!

As Hero dives behind the couch, Foxxy, Clara, Toot, Spanky, and Wooldoor go outside. They are greeted with the sight of a giant beast lumbering toward them.

Spanky: Oh, no! It’s one of the Elderly Mutant Samurai Frogs! And he’s grown to giant size!

Wooldoor: Wow, they look a lot smaller on TV!

Foxxy: He’s coming to attack us!

Toot: Why do these things always have to randomly attack people? Shouldn’t we have done something first to incur its wrath?

Foxxy: Giant mutated monsters don’t have to have a reason to attack people, Toot. It’s inbred!

Wooldoor: Don’t you mean inborn?

Foxxy: Why, what’d I say?

(Clara assumes a karate stance.)

Clara: Stand back, everyone. I'll handle this!

As the monster reaches the group, the rest of them run and stand behind Clara. She kicks the monster in the shin. As the monster doubles over, she reaches her hand back to karate chop it. Just as she is in the middle of doing so, however, the monster is hit with a giant energy ball and falls flat on his back. A stunned Clara turns around to see Ling-Ling touching back down to earth.

Ling-Ling: That teach cheap ninja turtle knockoff to attack Carla!

As Clara continues to stand looking stunned, the other housemates walk up to Ling-Ling.

Spanky: Thanks for saving us, Ling-Ling!

Foxxy: How can we ever repay you?

Wooldooor: That was great, Ling-Ling! You’re the best!

Ling-Ling: (acting modest) Ling-Ling know.

Toot: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we go inside and celebrate Ling-Ling saving us yet again!

Wooldoor: I love celebrating! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The group walk back into the house. As they pass her, they comment to Clara.

Spanky: Wow, Clara, you sure handled it, all right!

Foxxy: Thanks for holding off that monster until Ling-Ling could defeat it for us, Clara.

Wooldoor: Wait. What did Clara do, exactly? (They go back in the house, leaving Clara and Ling-Ling standing there. Clara simply stands and stares in complete shock.)

Clara (in confessional): All these weeks I had been praying for a chance to prove I could protect the group, and no sooner had my chance arrived than it was taken right out from under my nose. And by my own husband, no less!

Ling-Ling: That narrow escape. Come on inside, Carla, Ling-Ling make cookies for you. You tell Ling-Ling all about what happened in class today.

Clara: What happened in class today? I’ll tell you what happened, I wasted my time and money even going, apparently! Ling-Ling- you weren’t supposed to save everyone from that monster!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry. He not realize you want to be killed.

Clara: Just go back inside, Ling-Ling. I’ll talk to you later.

Ling-Ling: (confused, but obedient) All right. (He turns. As he walks back through the door, he pauses briefly.) Did Ling-Ling do something wrong? (Clara does not answer. Ling-Ling exits, still confused. Clara stands fuming. Finally, Toot pokes her head out the door.)

Toot: Hey, Clara? You still want to be a hero? (Clara turns eagerly.) There’s a big spider scaring the hell out of Captain Hero. You can come kill it if you want! (Clara wrinkles her brow at Toot. Toot turns back toward the house for a minute.) What? (She turns back to Clara.) Never mind, Clara, Ling-Ling killed that too. I guess we don’t need you after all. Toodles! (Toot pops back in the house. As Clara hangs her head in exasperation, the scene fades.)

Cut to Xandir and Wooldoor in Wooldoor’s doctor’s office.

Xandir: You’ve got to help me get this weight off, Wooldoor. I’m getting desperate.

Wooldoor: What’s the matter, Xandir? Can’t fit into your prom dress anymore? (Xandir starts to cry.) I’m sorry, Xandir, I didn’t mean to bring that up again. I know that’s still a sensitive area for you.

Xandir: So are you going to help me or not?

Wooldoor: Absolutely Xandir. I’ve designed here a special diet for you. I call it the MIT diet.

Xandir: Oh, because it was created by scientists at MIT.

Wooldoor: No! Because it’s the diet I followed when I was a broke college student!

Xandir: You expect me to eat Ramen noodles every meal?

Wooldoor: Ramen noodles? What, did you think I was rich or something?

Xandir: Oh, God, this is going to be rough.

Wooldoor: Just be glad I’m not putting you on the supermodel diet!

Xandir: (puts his hand to his stomach in pain) Oh my God, I think the starvation’s already kicking in! I can already feel myself wasting away!

Wooldoor: Just keep doing that for four more years, or longer if you want to pursue graduate studies, and you’ll be trim in no time! (Xandir groans.)

Cut to Clara and Toot sitting on the couch watching TV. Each has a giant tub of ice cream in front of her which she is eating from.

TV Announcer: And we now return you to The Godfather, starring the Smurfs.

Sonny: You asked to see me, Godfather Smurf?

Godfather: Yes, Sonny Corleone Smurf. I understand Fredo Smurf is trying to smurf against the family. You know what I smurf, Sonny, the family smurf must be protected. So here’s what you do. You take that prize racing smurf of his and smurf its head off, then put it in his smurf next to his smurf.

Sonny: What if he doesn’t get the smurf, Godafather Smurf?

Godfather: Then a couple of my smurfs are going to have pay that little smurf a visit and smurf his little smurfs off!

Sonny: Ouch! That’s gotta smurf!

Clara: I’m glad to see all these cartoon stars are starting to branch off into more serious material.

Toot: Hey, they gotta make a living somehow! Doing the classics sure beats porn!

Clara: I bet if Spanky were here right now, he’d say porn WAS the classics!

Toot: I can’t deny that. That’s one pig who loves his porn. (Clara eats another scoop of ice cream.) So what’s going on, Clara? What’s got you in the mood to have a girls’ night all of a sudden? I figured you’d be doing something with Ling-Ling tonight.

Clara: I’m not really too happy with Ling-Ling right now.

Toot: Why not?

Clara: He knows what he did.

Toot: Yeah, but I don’t! Come on, let’s have the poop!

Clara: Ewwwwww! Just because YOU can go anywhere, Toot-

Toot: I mean, tell me what happened! Come on, I want some gossip!

Clara: Toot, ever since I’ve been in this house, people have thought of me as the spoiled rich girl who can’t do a damn thing for herself, and I was getting tired of it. And Ling-Ling, as much as I love him, wasn’t really helping matters any. The way he kept attacking every little thing that threatened me just made me feel more and more helpless. I figured if I took some karate classes, I could start defending myself, but Ling-Ling doesn’t seem to want to let me do that!

Toot: Why don’t you cut Ling-Ling a break, Clara? I mean, that monster was really huge and scary. Maybe he didn’t think you were ready to fight it by yourself.

Clara: Maybe. I guess I’ll go talk to him. I guess he’s had enough time to stew by now. (Xandir walks in, still feeling a sense of starvation.)

Xandir: Hey, Toot! Hey, Clara! What are you guys doing?

Toot: Eating ice cream and watching movies! What about you?

Xandir: Um... standing here talking to you.

Toot: Is it fun?

Xandir: Not especially. So... eating ice cream, huh? I bet it’s that lowfat soybean stuff, isn’t it?

Toot: Nope. It’s the good stuff. Loaded in fat. (Xandir perks up.)

Xandir: Is it? Is it now? (looks at Clara’s container) Why, Clara, you do seem to have polished off an entire container all by yourself! Of the fat kind!

Clara: I suppose I have.

Xandir: Hmm, very interesting. Um, Clara, I don’t suppose I could convince you to weigh yourself, could I?

Toot: Weigh herself? Xandir, she’s been doing nothing for the last two hours except eating ice cream and sitting on her ass!

Xandir: You don’t say! (to Clara) Oh, could you, Clara, could you?

Clara: Well, all right, Xandir, if you insist. (She gets up and starts to walk off but Xandir stops her.)

Xandir: You don’t need to go all the way upstairs, Clara, I have a scale right here. (He hands it to her.)

Clara: Okay. (She puts the scale down on the floor and steps on it. Immediately she begins panicking.) Oh, no! Oh, my God, this can’t be! My weight hasn’t changed since I’ve been in this house! (Xandir is barely able to contain his glee.)

Xandir: Oh, no, Clara, what’s wrong?

Clara: I’ve lost two pounds! (Immediately the smile leaves Xandir’s face.)

Xandir: You what? You LOST weight? How can that be?

Clara: I don’t know. I guess being upset over Ling-Ling has caused my metabolism to speed up even faster! I’d better get back to the ice cream, quick, before I waste away to nothing! (She sits back down and begins chomping down on the ice cream even harder. Xandir stands fuming.)

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling not know why Carla upset with him. But he figure he give her time to calm down then talk to her later.

Cut back to the living room. Clara is there still eating ice cream, now by herself.

TV Announcer: And we now return you to Psycho starring Inspector Gadget.

Gadget: Go, go, Gadget knife! (Immediately, the famous Psycho music starts playing. We hear a woman scream followed by a repeated stabbing sound.)

As Clara sits watching it, Ling-Ling enters and goes up to her.

Ling-Ling: Carla?

Clara: Oh, hello, Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: You ready to talk to Ling-Ling about what wrong?

Clara: I suppose so. (She picks him up and sets him down on the couch next to her.) Ling-Ling, there’s been a certain trend in your behavior lately. Admittedly, it’s always been there, but lately it’s been even worse than usual. And before you go making a lot of humorous guesses as to what that trend might be, just let me finish.

Ling-Ling: Is it way Ling-Ling always leave toilet seat up?

Clara: I told you, Ling-Ling, no humorous guesses. Now, Ling-Ling, what happened today with that monster really upset me. I was finally going to get to show my housemates that I could help out in a crisis, and you come right along and steal my thunder!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry, Carla. It just he see Carla in danger-

Clara: I know, Ling-Ling, you see Carla in danger, you feel like you have to protect her. Did it ever occur to you that I can protect myself, and I don’t need you to be my bodyguard? I got enough of that at the castle!

Ling-Ling: (sadly) So... Carla not like Ling-Ling protecting her?

Clara: It’s not that, Ling-Ling, it’s just... well... maybe. I mean... oh, you know what I mean!

Ling-Ling: Right. Ling-Ling know what Carla mean. (He walks off sadly. Clara turns around.)

Clara: Ling-Ling, no, that’s not what I meant! (It is too late. Ling-Ling is gone. Xandir walks out looking very smug.)

Xandir: So, Clara. I guess having a perfect body doesn’t necessarily equal happiness.

Clara: Xandir, isn’t that the moral YOU’RE supposed to be learning this week?

Xandir: Maybe.

Clara: And you have a point, Xandir. Having a perfect body doesn’t automatically bring happiness. But it DOES make me able to kick your ass into next week. (She stands up and assumes her karate stance.) You want to take me on, Chubs? (Xandir stares for a moment. Then he breaks down crying.)

Xandir: (as he runs off crying) Oh, this is going to give me such an eating disorder! (Clara sits back down.)

(to be continued...)

Part 2

Ling-Ling (in confessional): Ling-Ling upset Carla not seem to want him around anymore. So instead of taking time to think about what Carla actually saying, he overreact and run away like sitcom cliché. Ling-Ling decide life in America just not worth living without Carla, so he go back to only place he know he wanted, or at least only place among those he still allowed into.

Cut to a bus station. We see a man talking to a woman behind the ticket counter. Behind him is Ling-Ling followed by another man. The woman has short brown hair and a name tag that says "Denise". She hands the first man a ticket. He steps away, and Ling-Ling approaches the counter.

Denise: (tired, sighs) Where to?

Ling-Ling: Asia, please.

Denise: You want to go to Asia by bus?

Ling-Ling: (confused) Ling-Ling not understand problem.

Denise: You’re aware there’s a four hour layover in the Marianas Trench, right?

Ling-Ling: That okay. Ling-Ling get some fishing done.

Denise: Sure thing. One ticket to Asia.

Ling-Ling pays her, and she hands him the ticket. As Ling-Ling walks away, she sighs.

Denise: I should have never quit the candy store. (The next man approaches. He lays a large sum of money on the counter.)

Denise: So where to?

Man: Where to?

Denise: Where do you want to buy a ticket for?

Man: Ticket?

Denise: Oh, are you here for the other thing?

Man: Yes, I think so.

Denise: Fine. Just step around behind the counter here.

He does as she instructs. The last thing we see before the pair get down behind the counter out of view is Denise taking her jacket off. As we see clothes flying, the scene cuts to Ling-Ling in the waiting area.

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling should have brought newspaper with him. Now how he going to kill two hours before bus leaves? (gets an idea) Ah! Ling-Ling know!

The scene cuts to Ling-Ling holding a cloth and talking to a man and a woman.

Man: That’s okay, we don’t need our shoes shined. You run along back to the sweatshop now, all right?

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling not just shine shoes. Nice lady interested in foot massage?

Man: I might be interested in one, actually.

Ling-Ling: Sorry, Ling-Ling have size limit. Never mind, then. (He walks over to a hobo sleeping behind a garbage can.) Honorable hobo interested in shoe shine? (The hobo shrugs "Why not?". As Ling-Ling begins trying to shine the hobo’s beat-up, obviously beyond repair shoes, he suddenly hears a soft female voice from behind.)

Voice: Excuse me? Strange little orange cat thingie?

Ling-Ling: (without looking) Who talking to Ling-Ling?

Voice: Excuse me, but I think I recognize you from somewhere. You don’t by chance know a Wooldoor Sockbat, do you? (Ling-Ling turns, alarmed.)

Ling-Ling: Yes, Ling-Ling know Sockbat. Who want to know? (He sees the figure and immediately goes white.) AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! No! You alive! (The scene cuts to the other figure. We see that it is none other than Strawberry Sweetcake.)

Sweetcake: That’s right, Ling-Ling. I’m alive! Strawberry Sweetcake don’t die that easy!

Ling-Ling: But... Sweetcake eaten by land whale!

Sweetcake: Fortunately, I’m so sweet that I made that black and white cannibal so nauseous she vomited me right back up! Of course, I had to float around in a sewer for a while, but I finally made it back to the surface and I’m here to take my revenge on you and all your housemates!

Ling-Ling: That not work, Sweetcake. Ling-Ling not live in house anymore. He going back to Asia. Not see housemates again ever.

Sweetcake: That sucks! I was hoping I could kill all of you together! Oh, well, I’ll just have to do it one at a time. And since you’re right here in front of me, I’ll start with you. Sweetcakes believe in efficiency- you get more done that way. (She begins stepping menacingly toward Ling-Ling.)

Cut back to the Drawn Together house. A very sleep-deprived Clara is still watching TV.

TV Announcer: And we now return you to Full Metal Jacket, starring the Winnie-the-Pooh gang!

Rabbit: What is your major malfunction, you silly old bear? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy give you enough hunny when you were a cub? (A gun goes off. Rabbit falls over dead.)

Tigger: Cause shooting their commanding officers is what tiggers do best! (He does the Tigger laugh.)

Clara sits watching the TV. Foxxy walks up behind her.

Foxxy: Um, Clara?

Clara: Yes, Foxxy?

Foxxy: Shouldn’t you be in bed by now?

Clara: You’re right, Foxxy. I wouldn’t want to oversleep and miss that important job interview I have tomorrow.

Foxxy: Clara... this wouldn’t be because you and Ling-Ling had a fight, would it?

Clara: What, you think he’s making me sleep on the couch tonight? Get real, Foxxy! Last time he tried that- (She points a finger, but then stops.) I... slept on the couch. But that’s NOT what’s happening here!

Foxxy: Isn’t it? (Clara shakes her head. Foxxy sits down.) Clara, can I talk to you for a minute?

Clara: Let me guess. This is the part where you take me to task and make me realize how I was wrong and just magically solve everyone’s problems with a wave of your hand! Well, it’s not going to happen this time, Foxxy. It may just be the anger talking, but I think I have just cause to be upset with Ling-Ling this time.

Foxxy: I agree with you, Clara. You do.

Clara: You do?

Foxxy: Absolutely! You’re upset cause Ling-Ling keeps saving you from everything and making you feel helpless. Captain Hero and I went through the same thing recently. I tried to tell him that if he’d just learn to use his super powers properly, I wouldn’t have to keep rescuing him, but do you think that big lug listened? No, he’s got to throw a super hissy fit about how his woman’s upstaging him. If you ask me, you could do a lot worse than being rescued by the Foxxy! Course, it all works out in the end cause after we patch things up, we have the BEST makeup sex anyone can hope for. I mean, that man can go for hours on-

Clara: (interrupting) Foxxy, stop! Seriously, TMI!

Foxxy: TMI? What are you talking about?

Clara: And before you start assuming lots of hilarious things those initials could stand for, let me explain what that means.

Foxxy: I know what the initials stand for, Clara. They stand for too much information. I just don’t understand the CONCEPT of that. How can you have too much information? I mean, who doesn’t want to hear about hot sex? Never mind, I forgot who I was talking to.

Clara: Getting back to the point. Um... you did have one, right?

Foxxy: Right. I was just gonna say, Clara, that I agree with you 100%. Ling-Ling needs to learn that you can take care of yourself.

Clara: Thank you, Foxxy.

Foxxy: But YOU need to understand he’s only doing that because he loves you.

Clara: I know, Foxxy. I think that’s what makes this so difficult for me. Part of me is furious with him, and the rest of me hates myself for feeling that way.

Foxxy: God, Clara. Is this what you do EVERY time you and Ling-Ling have a fight?

Clara: (confused) I don’t know. (thinks a moment) We haven’t really ever had a fight before.

Foxxy: (completely shocked) You’ve NEVER had a fight before? You’ve been married for over six months and this is your first fight? Oh my God! Captain Hero and I had, like, six fights in our first week alone!

Clara: Six fights in one week? How did you stay together through all that strife?

Foxxy: Like I said before, the makeup sex was REAL good!

Clara: Sorry I asked.

Foxxy: But as long as you two have been together, and you’re only just now having your first fight... seems to me, I’d really want to hang onto that relationship. Well, YOU probably would. The Foxxy don’t mind having a few fights personally, because of-

Clara: I know, because of all the great makeup sex. But I think you’re right, Foxxy. I may be mad at Ling-Ling right now, but I still love him. (She gets up.) I’m going to go talk to him right now and see if we can work this out. (She leaves and heads up the stairs. Captain Hero enters.)

Hero: Oh, Foxxy... (Foxxy turns toward him.) I, um... I forgot and left the toilet seat up again. Are you mad at me?

Foxxy: Captain Hero, you are so transparent! You’re trying to pick a fight with me, aren’t you? Just so we can have makeup sex! God, Captain Hero, I can’t believe that you would just take advantage of makeup sex like that!

Hero: I’m sorry, Foxxy. Forgive me?

Foxxy: I guess so.

Hero: Now that we’ve finished fighting about makeup sex, is it time to have makeup sex?

Foxxy: Of course! (Hero pounces on Foxxy on the couch, and we see clothes flying.)

Cut to Ling-Ling and Clara’s room. Clara enters.

Clara: Ling-Ling, I need to talk to you about what happened. (no answer) Ling-Ling? Ling-Ling, please talk to me. (She turns on the light.) Ling-Ling?

Cut back to the living room. Foxxy and Hero have just finished having sex.

Hero: Wow, Foxxy. That was GREAT!

Foxxy: Really? I didn’t think it was nothin’ special myself.

Hero: (angry) What? How dare you! That was uncalled for, Foxxy.

Foxxy: I’m sorry, Captain Hero.

Hero: That’s okay, Foxxy. I forgive you.

Foxxy: Makeup sex?

Hero: Does Spanky like pornography?

They begin to have sex again, but are interrupted by a frantic Clara rushing into the room.

Clara: Guys! Something’s wrong. (Her voice begins to crack up.) Ling-Ling’s gone!

Foxxy: Ling-Ling’s gone? Oh no!

Clara: (tearfully) I drove him away, Foxxy! I made him leave the house!

Foxxy: How do you know he’s left you, Clara? Maybe he just went out for a pizza.

Clara: I found a bus schedule on his dresser.

Foxxy: Maybe they got better pizza out of town.

Clara: Foxxy, could you please drive me to the bus depot? I’ve got to try to catch him before he leaves town!

Foxxy: Sure, Clara, sure!

Hero: Actually, Clara, I know how you can get there much faster! We’ll take the Heromobile!

Clara: Captain Hero, just because you take one of Wooldoor’s Hot Wheels cars and draw your logo on it and start calling it the Heromobile does mean it’s an actual method of transportation.

Hero: Good point. We’ll take Foxxy’s van.

Cut to the garage. Foxxy opens the door of the van and gets in the driver’s seat while Hero sits next to her on the passenger side. Clara opens the side door to see Spanky, Wooldoor, Toot, and Xandir sitting in front of a fire. Spanky and Toot are roasting hot dogs on sticks, Wooldoor has a marshmallow, and Xandir has something else that can’t be identified.

Clara: Um... what are you guys doing?

Wooldoor: We’re having a campout in Foxxy’s van!

Toot: Yeah, we’re roasting hot dogs and telling scary stories! Right now I’m telling everybody about my first period!

Clara: Wait... Spanky? You’re eating a hot dog? I thought you didn’t eat pork.

Spanky: According to the FDA, hot dogs are no longer considered a pork product in many jurisdictions. And that’s good enough for the Spankster!

Clara: What the hell are you eating, Xandir?

Xandir: It’s marshmallow tofu. Want some?

Clara: Ick, no! You guys got any more hot dogs? I’m worried about Ling-Ling again, and I need to eat to keep my strength up! (Toot hands Clara a hot dog as Xandir’s eyes glaze over in exasperation.)

Cut back to the bus station. Sweetcake is walking toward Ling-Ling.

Ling-Ling: Back off, walking parfait. Sweetcake not fool Ling-Ling like she fool Sockbat. Ling-Ling fight back. (Not flinching, Sweetcake walks up to Ling-Ling.) Fine, you no believe Ling-Ling, he show you. (With a mighty yell, Ling-Ling rises in the air once again forming an energy ball. He hurls the ball at Sweetcake, knocking her flat on her back. He touches back down.) There. That teach you not to mess with Ling-Ling. (Ling-Ling turns around to resume shining the hobo’s shoes. Just as he does so, however, he notices a strange scent.) What that smell? Smell almost... sweet... (He takes a deep sniff of the aroma, then collapses to the ground unconscious. The camera pans up to reveal Sweetcake standing over him.)

Sweetcake: I’ll tell you what that nasty little old scent was. When you weren’t looking, I waved my magic wand over your bottle of shoe polish and turned it into delicious sugary donut glaze! And not just any glaze- glaze so sweet it’s too much for any battle monster’s system to handle! You see, kids, it IS possible to pass out from sugar shock! (She picks up the bottle of glaze.) Boy, I sure wish I had some delicious donuts to eat this sugary frosting with! Oh, well, I guess I’ll just have to make do with what I have! (With an evil grin, she grabs hold of Ling-Ling and begins dragging him off.)

Cut to the outside of the bus station where we see the group arriving in the van. The doors open and Clara bursts out in a rush, followed by the others. The scene cuts to Denise’s counter where a very frantic Clara approaches her.

Clara: Excuse me? Did a small orange battle monster come through here?

Denise: I don’t remember. (The others assemble behind Clara.) I see tons of people come through here every day, how am I supposed to tell them apart?

Clara: He’s about two feet tall and orange. I would think you’d remember someone who looked like THAT!

Denise: Like I got nothing better to do with my time than memorize what all these losers look like. I’m trying to run a business here, lady. So if you’re not buying a ticket or soliciting my services in some other way, I’m gonna need you to step aside.

Clara: I just want my Ling-Ling, okay?

Denise: Your Ling-Ling? Cute name for it. Fine, just lay some cash on me and step around behind the counter and I’ll give you some Ling-Ling.

Clara: What the hell are you talking about? (Suddenly she is interrupted by Spanky shouting.)

Spanky: (pointing) Clara, look! Over there!

Clara turns and looks where Spanky is pointing. She sees Strawberry Sweetcake stirring a giant boiling pot over a bonfire. Ling-Ling is off to the side tied up.

Clara: Ling-Ling!

Toot: Oh my God! Is that Strawberry Sweetcake?

Spanky: (to Toot) I knew it! You did vomit her back up! I told you when you ate her you’d never keep her down!

Clara: (to Denise) I’ll deal with you later. (to group) Come on, guys! (The group follow Clara. Hero stops momentarily in front of Denise.)

Hero: Excuse me. Don’t I know you from somewhere?

Clara: Hero! Come on! (Hero sheepishly turns and runs toward Clara.)

Spanky: How are we going to defeat her? With that magic wand of hers she could turn us all into small people named Deborah! (Foxxy stares at Spanky for a moment.)

Foxxy: (very cynically) You mean Little Debbies? (Spanky snickers. Foxxy groans.) Long way to go for a lame pun, Spanky! (Spanky continues to snicker.)

Wooldoor: What are we going to do, guys?

Toot: (pointing) Look! Ling-Ling’s waking up! (As Sweetcake stands oblivious with her back to Ling-Ling, we see Ling-Ling coming around and beginning to undo his restraints.)

Clara: (takes a deep breath) All right, guys! I think this is what I’m here for! (She assumes her karate stance.)

Foxxy: Don’t do it, Clara! Your karate’s no match for her magic!

Xandir: And besides, now that Ling-Ling’s conscious, he can get out of it himself.

Clara: I know, but... (She struggles for the words.)

Spanky: Don’t, Clara! Ling-Ling is MUCH better prepared to handle this than you are!

Clara: Maybe he is, but... (She still struggles for the words.)

Foxxy: But what?

Clara: But he’s in danger! I have to do something! My heart just won’t let me leave him like this! (They all look at her. Suddenly Clara has her epiphany.) Oh my God. That’s how he sees me, isn’t it? It’s not that he doesn’t think I can protect myself. He just loves me so much he can’t bear to risk my safety for anything. (She stands still for a moment digesting the message. As she does this, Sweetcake suddenly becomes aware of the group’s presence.)

Sweetcake: Who’s there? (She sees the housemates.) Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Drawn Together housemates. Long time no see, guys!

Toot: Don’t mess with us, Sweetcake! I ate you once, I can eat you again!

Sweetcake: Sorry, Toot! (She pulls out her wand and waves it menacingly at the group.) That’s not on the menu today!

As Sweetcake walks toward the other housemates pointing her wand at them, they begin to back off. Clara keeps shifting a nervous glance in Ling-Ling’s direction. As Sweetcake holds the housemates hostage, Ling-Ling finishes freeing himself. While Sweetcake’s attention is diverted, he rises in the air and forms an energy ball which he hurls at Sweetcake. The ball hits her square in the backside and knocks her down. She gets right back up however, and turns to face Ling-Ling.

Sweetcake: Why you stupid Nintendo reject! I’ll get you for that! (She waves her wand at Ling-Ling and immediately covers him in glaze, completely immobilizing him.) There! That’ll teach you to mess with me! (She turns to face the other housemates, but as soon as she does, we see a close-up of a foot catching Sweetcake right in her midsection, knocking the wind out of her. Sweetcake falls over. The camera pans up to reveal Clara standing over her.)

Clara: I *told* you guys I could handle it! Now quick, grab her wand! (Foxxy grabs the wand points it at Sweetcake.)

Sweetcake: No! Not again! I hate that goddamn meddling schwoogie! (Foxxy waves the wand at Sweetcake, covering her in glaze. We see Toot salivating.)

Toot: Mmm... donuts!

As the others jump on Sweetcake, Clara turns to Foxxy.

Clara: Now then, Foxxy, change Ling-Ling back!

Foxxy changes Ling-Ling back. Clara turns toward Ling-Ling. They look at each other for a moment. Finally Clara bends over and picks Ling-Ling up. Almost crying tears of joy, she hugs him.

Clara: Oh my God, Ling-Ling, it’s so great to see you. Oh, please don’t ever leave me again!

Ling-Ling: No need to worry, Carla. Ling-Ling never leave again no matter what happens.

Clara: Ling-Ling, I’m so sorry, please forgive me! I know you only did what you did because you love me and don’t want me to get hurt!

Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling sorry too. He not want Carla to feel helpless. He want Carla to be happy. He know how Carla hate her sheltered life at the castle. He not realize he doing same thing to her in Drawn Together house. Ling-Ling promise he never steal Carla’s thunder again.

Clara: Oh, I don’t care about thunder, Ling-Ling. I just want you to do what makes you happy.

Ling-Ling: You know, Ling-Ling really impressed with way you drop kick Sweetcake. Ling-Ling realize Carla can handle herself after all. Tell you what, Carla. From now on, you can protect Ling-Ling if you want!

Clara: How about we protect each other, okay?

Ling-Ling: Sounds good, Carla!

As they walk back happily toward the front of the bus station, we see the other housemates gorging themselves on Sweetcake’s remains.

Wooldoor: Mmmm! She tastes even better than my family!

Toot: So does this mean you’re off your diet, Xandir?

Xandir: Ah, hell, I can always go back to purging.

Cut back to Clara and Ling-Ling. She stops and looks at him.

Ling-Ling: What is it, Carla?

Clara: Ling-Ling, Foxxy suggested something to me earlier I think we should try. Have you ever heard of this thing called "makeup sex"? (Ling-Ling turns to Clara with a sexy look in his eyes.)

Ling-Ling: Rrrrrrrrrowr!

Kissing, they stumble into a secluded corner of the bus depot. They get down on the floor and continue making out as a prelude to lovemaking. As we see them on the floor, a pair of shoes can be seen walking up to them. They suddenly stop and look at the figure in front of them. The camera pans up to reveal the person’s identity.

Denise: What the hell is this? (to Clara) You workin’ my turf, lady? I’m supposed to be the only one whorin’ it out around here!

Clara: Whoring it out? Oh my God! I can’t believe you said that about me! (Ling-Ling gets angry.)

Ling-Ling: How dare you call Ling-Ling’s woman a whore! You die, bitch!

Ling-Ling rises in the air again to attack Denise. The camera focuses in on Clara.

Clara: What to do... what to do... Do I get upset? Do I get excited? Do I care one way or the other? (thinks a second) Ah, hell. I want to see the whore get killed.

Eagerly, she turns to watch Ling-Ling attacking Denise.

Clara: Don’t worry, Ling-Ling. (She stands up and assumes her karate stance.) If things go badly for you, I got your back!

As Ling-Ling continues attacking Denise, we see Clara hovering around the fringes of the battle, ready to go into action. As the camera pulls out, we can see the housemates finishing their feasting and beginning to cavort. The scene fades.


THE END